Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize