my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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