I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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