I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
