put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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