you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
