I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
