i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
