this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
