Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize