I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
