I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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