I hate your face
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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