Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize