you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We have so much sex to catch up on
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
