what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
