well I can't set my house on fire every night
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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