Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
