im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize