I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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