he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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