Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
