I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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