i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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