So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
