I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
