i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
