By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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