your thong is hanging out like whoa
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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