apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
