Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
