ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He felt like a one man threesome
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
