I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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