just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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