I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
