Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
