what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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