just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
