I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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