I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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