I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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