She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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