Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
