Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dignity is for republicans.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
