So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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