I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
