a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize