i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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