U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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