i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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