Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
