if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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