I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
