Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
the liver wants what the liver wants
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
