Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
