So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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